“Bah humbug!” is the catchphrase of the cold-hearted, mean-spirited character, Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ classic Christmas tale, A Christmas Carol. Besides his lack of generosity, he also responds to everyone around him with verbal venom. Sadly, there are still plenty of “Scrooges” to go around, and their unhealed wounds create wounds in others.
“Broken and Twisted” - Photo by Kareen King
It seems with the holiday season upon us, mean-spiritedness is raising its ugly head even higher in what I call the “Mean Girls of an Older Generation.” If you work in a retirement community, you are likely to witness the occasional small group of older women making disparaging remarks loudly in the presence of others they either are envious of or feel superior toward. This behavior is not only directed toward fellow residents, but also toward the very staff who care for them. I could provide plenty of examples of such behavior, but instead I’ll focus on a couple of one-to-one encounters.
Just recently, I was the target of such mean-spiritedness, twice in one day. The first encounter occurred when I approached an individual who was reading her newspaper. Though she prefers not to participate in social gatherings, I wanted to make sure she knew there was always an open invitation for her to attend my “Kareen’s Kettle.” Since her face was hidden behind the newspaper, I addressed her by name quietly. No response. I said her name a little louder. No response. Regretfully, my next action was to sit on the chair beside her and gently tap her arm.
“Don’t EVER do that again,” she yelled, instantly throwing her paper to her lap. “That startled me!”
Stunned, the tears rolled unexpectedly and uncontrollably down my cheeks as I quickly apologized for startling her. Seeing my tears, she gave me an expose on her declining health, increased fatigue, and growing despondency toward aging. She admitted she often resorts to being rude to others as a result.
“There, we made up now,” she added in an effort to apologize in return. I placed my hands on hers, apologizing again, and letting her know that I simply wanted to remind her that she hasn’t been forgotten by me, and there is always a place for her in my gatherings, should she decide to change her mind. As unpleasant as that experience was, it ended well and I was able to recompose myself.
I then returned to visit with a resident who showed up a half hour early to the semi-circle I had arranged for the “Kettle.” She and I were in the middle of a pleasant conversation when suddenly another female individual I’ll call “Joan,” approached me with a stern reprimand for showing up on a day where my activity wasn’t posted on the activity calendar. I explained to her the reason for the miscommunication, and she left in a huff, yelling, “Well, I’m not coming and don’t bother me!” She proceeded to verbally assault me to anyone who had ears to hear.
The female who witnessed the event shook her head in disbelief, as did I. She explained how she doesn’t let “Joan” get to her, and that life is too short to be that unhappy.
“I’m wired to be a bit oversensitive,” I explained.
“You gotta change your wires,” she wisely retorted.
I proceeded to conduct myself with the same level of enthusiasm, positivity, and affection toward the residents in the creative enrichment program that followed, even though I felt I was operating with a dagger in my heart. Though our gathering was lovely, I was still reeling from the verbal assault, so much so, that I was tempted to go home early. But I knew I couldn’t. Not only would it not be fair to the others who would benefit from my services, but it would be a futile act of giving away my power.
The afternoon proved to be spectacular for the two creative enrichment gatherings that followed. I’m glad I stayed, and I knew I had made a difference. I went home to my ever loving husband who had prepared dinner for me, and I shared about the day. We then watched a couple documentaries before going to bed. I hoped that a good night’s sleep would wash away the ill-effects of those two incidents.
The next morning, I realized that incident number one was no longer an issue, because of the healing conversation that followed. But incident number two still stung into the morning. All the more reason to attend the restorative yoga class that was offered by my talented and creative friend, Michelle Robert, owner of Higher Power Yoga. While tuning into her information about the parasympathetic nervous system, sometimes called the rest and digest system, as well as doing several poses, I had time to reflect on that statement, “You gotta change your wires.” How does one rewire himself?
Rewiring is different for everyone. Some people stay their same old selves till death. A friend of mine once said, “The older you get, the more YOU you become.” Some older adults just get bitterer as they age. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want their bitterness to become my bitterness. I want to rewire - over and over again, if need be. In this case, I decided to process my experience through writing, and then share it with others. Yoga was a part of that rewiring.
Other ways of rewiring include spending time with loving, positive people, engaging in nature photography, praying, and embracing who I really am. A powerful tool for me has been the transformational process of Breakthrough, an intensive personal effectiveness experience available through Heartconnexion.org. Through that process I came to realize that who I am is a remarkable, authentically present, and unapologetic woman in whom God lives. Those words are posted in my Facebook bio as a constant reminder that rewiring is a work in progress. Like it or not, we will always encounter wounded people who choose not to rewire.
In the meantime, I leave you with the famous and generous last words spoken by the rewired Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ novel: "God bless us, Every one!"
P.S. Speaking of rewiring through nature photography, my 2020 calendars are here! Each features a favorite photo for each month of the year, plus a bonus cover photo. Calendars are $20.00, plus tax and shipping and handling where applicable. If interested, email me in the contact form.
Collage of 2020 Face-to-Face Wall Calendar - Photography by Kareen King
Collage of 2020 Nature Wall Calendar - Photography by Kareen King
